What's Good for the Goose…

The subject I am about to write on is one I have never raised on this platform before. But I think we need to start having more and more of these conversations if we are to experience change. You do not have to agree with the points raised here. This is me expressing myself on my blog. So let no man or woman come and call me an angry feminist when you’re done reading.
Hehe. I sound angry abi? Lol. I am not. Let’s go on please.
Sometime last week, I found myself having a certain conversation with one of our clients. The subject was one I usually like to stay away from because people are mostly unreasonable. But for some reason we were talking about it and at some point, I had to say “I’m sorry sir, but I won’t engage you on this anymore. I’d rather we discontinue this conversation.” He wanted to keep talking but I politely changed the topic and we moved on to work.
Now what were we talking about?
Let’s call him Dr. T
Dr T. : So Oge, if a man cheated on you and he came back and said he was sorry, would you forgive him? Like he tells you he slept with the woman five times but he comes crying and begging, what will you do?
Me: I will walk away.
Dr. T. : Really? What if you are married with children? Wouldn’t you stay for the kids?
Me: (polite smile in place) What if I was the one that cheated?
Dr. T. : (Surprised face) No o, Oge. Traditionally a woman is not expected to cheat. The man can cheat o but not the woman.
At this point, my jaw dropped to the ground. I pursued the conversation a little further and what this man essentially tried to do was convince me that society expects a man to cheat so I should not only anticipate it, but I should be forgiving when it happened. I hear things like this often and it makes me cringe every single time.
I think that we should be honest and fair to ourselves. The laws guiding morality should not be different for men and women. I don’t even understand how that is even a thing. All we are saying essentially is, men are children without a solid moral compass and who cannot be held responsible for their choices and actions. But women are expected to be more responsible and so they must be judged and stoned to death if they cheat.
Unfortunately, society has conditioned us to have low expectations of men. So we drop the bar and have no standards. If he cheats, it was a mistake, he’s a man, it is to be expected, forgive him. If she cheats, beat her up, get even, throw her out.
What I found most annoying was the man’s incessant reference to culture and tradition and I had to call him out on it. A culture that marginalizes or places any group at a disadvantage is no good at all and should be discarded. Besides, culture is not static. It is forever evolving. And the fact that something is culture or tradition or popular doesn’t necessarily make it right. I mean, at some point, it was our culture to kill twin babies now wasn’t it?
Culture. Tradition. Stereotypes. These things need to go! Stop using them as an excuse to be irresponsible and selfish. If you are not ready to take responsibility and be faithful and loyal to one person, then don’t bother with commitments. Keep living your life as a baby boy or girl but do not give someone the impression that they are everything whilst they are only one of many things.
Speaking of stereotypes, I met a guy at a friend’s birthday party. Let’s call him Tobi. (Not his real name though, but he’s a Yoruba guy. And I’m stating this because I’d like to make a point.)
Now, Tobi was cute, worked as a consultant and shuttled between Nigeria and the US. He was a very interesting person. So we met at this party which as at the beach and we got talking. I’m a really lively person so that was only to be expected. We talked, danced, laughed and eventually I asked him to take a walk with me. He obliged me but not before I noticed what seemed like only a split second hesitation.
Of course, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and in my head, I was planning the next time we would see. Then he asked if I was seeing anyone because friends had been teasing me about some guy. I quickly cleared the air and stated that I was single. And then I threw the question back to him and it turned out that he wasn’t. It was a little late so the darkness conveniently shielded the disappointment that flooded my face but it was gone in a few minutes.
Tobi and I walked and talked some more. We both had interesting career paths and talking points were so many so if we decided to hangout again, it would obviously be a lot of fun. But by the time the night was over, Tobi left without taking my number and even though I badly wanted to get his, I didn’t request for it. If he wanted to find me, he could have. But it’s been almost 3 months now and I haven’t heard from him. So much for the Yoruba man stereotype. Tobi exhibited a high sense of discipline and personal responsibility that night, I was really impressed. You don’t have to agree with me. It’s my opinion. Argue with the mosquitoes in your room.
Society is made up of people and people are not machines. We can think and feel. We can be responsible. Do not blame your inadequacies on a stereotype. These things only exist because individuals created a pattern. Determine to do different. Determine to do right. If we have these conversations often enough and we are truthful to ourselves, I believe that in time, more people will begin to take responsibility.
I guess all I’m saying is, treat people how you would like them to treat you. If you would not like your partner to cheat on you, do not cheat on them. If you would not like them to lie to you, do not lie to them. At the end of the day, if you ask me, what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander.