Twenty Years On…

My dear friend and spirit sister, Queen, wrote this in memory of her mum. She requested that I post it and I am doing so gladly.

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“Will she come back in December?” I asked this twenty years ago  as they mourned and paid final tributes to my mother. I was three years old and had just lost one of the most precious people I would ever need in life!
It is a loss that has affected me in Many ways.

It has caused me great sadness. It has brought me down on many occasions. It has made me sick countless times. But it has also motivated me!
To think that twenty years has since passed is quite tough to accept. She was such a vibrant soul! Beautiful woman she was! Green eyes, fair skinned, beautiful hair, slender body. Sweet and soft voice, super caring, lover of all, giver. She was truly a hero. She was one many loved and spoke highly of. But she was also imperfect and she was and is still my mother!
It’s hard. I try to be strong! I try not to Cry but the tears roll freely! My Source of strength through the past twenty years has been the God I have come to finally believe in! God has truly been faithful. But I still have questions. Questions like why He allowed her to die at such a young age know she had little children who depended on her?
As a Christian, we are often taught and forbidden from questioning God. So what then happens to our questions? To whom do we seek answers from? Who has the answers to why my beautiful mother was taken from me at such a young age?
I remember the years when I used to pay and ask that God allow people who have passed away within the last ten years to resurrect, I extended that prayer every year up until 13 years. I still prayed that prayer at the age of 17. I knew that was unlikely, but I was hopeful- I need my mother! She was the only only mother I could ever have!
Today, twenty years later I mourn my mother. Today twenty years ago changed my life for ever. For good? For bad? I am unsure.
Twenty years later, I am still finding the perfect way to deal with her departure. I am still accepting the fact that I will never see her again. That she is sleeping and will never wake up. Accepting that she will never attend my wedding, and that she will never see my children. Death stings! And it stings for long… You never get over it! You just figure out the best way to deal with it… And I am still figuring this out- twenty years later! What hurts me the most is also the thought that in her death bed, she was worried about how my siblings and I would survive! Smh!
That I miss her is truly an understatement! I’d totally give anything to have one more second with her! In the words of Luther Vandross (permit me to switch it up a bit) “if I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with her……if I could get one final chance to dance with my mother, I’d play a song that would never end… How i’d love love love to dance with my mother again”
And so I pray for my siblings who mourn her today and everyday. That they find peace! And that they believe that God truly knows best!
I hope she’s proud of me and us because everything I do, I do for her and my brother (who also sadly passed away almost 4 years ago). Sigh…

Adieu beautiful one! Sleep on my true Calabar Princess! Rest well sweet mother. You’re always in our hearts! You’ll never be forgotten!

Being motherless Sucks, but To God be the glory!
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Grace, strength and peace for you today baby. Your mother was a remarkable woman to have birthed you. I trust she is looking down from heaven and smiling proudly. God bless you boo. I love you! FOrever, always and a day more.
Ps. Chi and I gat you. 🙂